Wasps: Methods of Disposal
Now, I’m a vegetarian, so I shouldn’t be writing this thing I’m about to write about killing wasps. Yeah, they’re really small, but what if I swallowed one and then subsequently my head swelled up to the size of an enraged puffer fish on steroids? Eh? In light of this danger I have drawn up a short list of wasp disposal methods.
1. Newspaper. So obvious, so effective, so fun, so why haven’t I tried it? Because, as one of my most recent victims discovered, I tried something else. The wasp was smugly slurping at a congealed patch of apple juice on my apple juice carton – thinking (I don’t doubt) that because I was not wielding a newspaper – and besides this was clearly a withered veggie – I posed no significant threat. How wrong can you be? In wasp terms?
This wasp got too involved in the old licky-licky, and didn’t notice that I had crooked my middle finger and held it in place with my thumb – before increasing the pressure and then letting it go. Off the little bugger went. Sad – but effective.
2. The edge of a Bulmer’s bottle. Where many bottles fall down when used in connection with wasp disposal, the Bulmer’s holds its wasp-bashing own. The cavity you often find in the base of some bottles means you think you’ve obliterated the wasp – only to find the broadly grinning wasp looking up at you, with its (frankly) evil looking eyeballs. The Bulmers bottle is nice and flat on the base. The broad grin on the wasp’s face is suddenly much broader than he might have supposed it could be.
3. Get a pyromaniac to modify your cigarette lighter so that a 7 inch flame lunges out when sparked. At first this method seems like a big old fun-party, doesn’t it? It’s all chuckles and hilarity until you realise how difficult it is bring the flame and over-confident wasp together in a mish-mash of heat and melted wasp ass. It’s only when you’ve burnt your sofa, set fire to your own hair, and torched your house together with all your worldly possessions – that it dawns on you: you’ve taken your disdain for wasps a little too far.
