I’m a big fan of both White and Keys. In fact with a few more years behind him I reckon White could get dangerously close to genius territory, he’s that good! As for keys, well I think Bob Dylan was on the money when he said, ‘I looked at her and thought there’s nothing about that girl I don’t like.’ I concur Mr Zimmerman.

I’m sure the track will look great when it’s accompanied by naked silhouettes vaulting over a giant Walther PPK but, call me old fashioned, I like to look at music with my ears…or something.

The last few Bond themes have all tried to shake off the spectre (did you see what I did there?) of John Barry and Shirley Bassey by recycling the latest drum and base loops and turning the dials all the way up to 11. I say if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Bond custodians Brocolli and Wilson could do worse than dig out a copy of Wings Greatest Hits for a reminder that it is possible to combine strings, horns and guitars and still stay faithful to what is expected from a Bond theme. Track 3, press play…

Da, da, da,
Da, da, da,
Da, da.
Da, da, da,
Da, da, da, da, daaaaaah.

I always said Macca wrote the best lyrics.

I tell you what is distasteful, and it’s not Brand and Ross. The new prime time Saturday night TV show for BBC called Hole In The Wall is the most offensive waste of money I have ever come across and I for one am furious that such low quality entertainment was ever considered for broadcast.

At what point may I ask did some over paid executive think that a proposal for a game show where celebrities have to jump through a large person shaped hole in a slow moving wall was entertainment and worth spending our money on? Or that adding a swimming pool that they could fall in if they fail the task would add an element of tension! At least Russ and Jonny have functioning brain parts and a humorous streak that hasn’t been scripted by a nicotine stained former Red Coat.

The truth is it could have been made more interesting, simply by edging the hole with razor wire, or having a pack of rabid dogs chasing the contestants, or even putting a few alligators in the plunge pool of doom, should the poor celebrities not manage to step through a slow moving hole. Or a combination of all three. Oh hang on a minute – that’s I’m A Celebrity… isn’t it? Things have got bad for the television when in hindsight former tripe looks like quality entertainment in comparison.

The tabloids are often full of boozy Brit stories: some poor chav emptying his half digested kebab in the face of an old lady; a footballer’s floozy flashing her lady garden to vaguely interested paparazzi; sensitive musicians planting a fist in the face of a star-struck fan. The list could go on.

The latest tabloid treat brings news of one Fat Boy making a drunken splash in Newquay, and being mistaken for the beast of Bodmin Moor! To clarify, this is not the Friday night antics of Brighton based Fat Boy Slim. No folks, this is Fat Boy the moorland pony whose alcoholic tendencies saw him plunge head first into the swimming pool of a startled 28 year old woman.

Fat Boy Swim as he is now known (here at Your Life anyway!) obviously hasn’t been practicing his surfing skills and had to be rescued by police and firemen in the early hours of the morning. It transpires that the pony had eaten hundreds of rotting apples, leaving him well truly over the drink-ride limit.

Do you realise you have goo’d in the Queen’s face? We feel truly offended and wonder what her Royal Highness might make of this surely treasonable act! If putting goo in the face of royalty is not distasteful enough, why has Her Majesty been placed as the lower case ‘g’, when surely she warrants heading the capital ‘G’ of the (once respected) Google logo?

Where has the mysterious blue glow around her majesty’s royal bust appeared from? It certainly isn’t Royal Blue! I for one have NEVER seen our monarch appear like this in public, what are you trying to portray that she is some sort of wicked Ice Queen!?!

Yours Sincerely,

Your Life

(This is of course a joke you imbecile)

Can you Adam ‘n’ Eve it a U.F.O. was sighted doing some late night shopping at Tescos at the early hours of this morning. When Sid O’Driscoll was arriving at his local Tescos store in South London at around 2am this morning he couldn’t believe his eyes, hovering overhead was an object with flashing white and green lights.

The 35 year old musician said that the unidentified craft glowed in the most beautiful tone of green and white, and if your thinking he’s just another crackpot trying to get his 15mins of fame then take a look at the proof….

So can anyone explain this truly mind boggling phenomena? Well Nick Pope, a U.F.O. Specialist who used to work at the Ministry of Defence has stated that this is infact a genuine mystery and demanded that a more indepth analysis needs to be conducted due to the huge number of sightings we have been hearing about this year.

Well Tesco has near enough dominated the world’s supermarket industry so whats to say they aren’t just extending the reach of their advertising campaign? Maybe its a prototype delivery vehicle, or they really are boldly going where no Supermarket has gone before! Well whatever the outcome it really is no wonder Mums go to Iceland!

It is alleged that the switch was made because the young girl did not fit the Chinese image. How dare they! Imagine selecting someone based on how they look, that is just mean. It would never happen here, I mean it is not as if every manipulation of light forces ideal physical specimens down your throat until you feel completely inadequate. There has recently been another high profile case in the UK of suspected miming.

Due to ilness on the set of one of the UK’s top soap operas, Pat Butcher has been replaced by the Thing from fantastic four. No-one seems to have noticed much but one source claims she says, “It’s clobber time!” much more than she used to.

Not so for those who choose the comfy option of Crocs. Drum roll please… these overly-popular pairs of foot candy can kill you, kill other people and more disturbingly, erase your i-pod play list completely! The controversy comes from the claim that Crocs produce a huge amount of static electricity which could then potentially discharge itself into people and electrical equipment; prompting a ban of the super comfy sponge clogs at a hospital in Venice.

A safety spokesman for the hospital authority said “Those sandals can cause an electric shock in organs. They can also lead to crashes of data processing devices… this means that they do not match our safety requirements.”

Although Mr Widmann of Crocs in Oz came back with, “This is insane. I haven’t heard of a single incident where Crocs caused a critical incident in hospitals.” he fails to mention any reports of a critical Croc incident anywhere else in the world. My advice is to ditch the killer kitsch and avoid becoming a dead-icated follower of fashion!

Joining the mile high club has its variations these days, its not just a quicky in the toilet any more these days people can get married a mile high! Katie Hodgson and Darren McWalters proved that by getting married while strapped to the wings of separate bi-planes, with the vicar facing backwards on a third plane in front!

The couple were chosen to take part in this extraordinary wedding ceremony from thousands who entered a prize draw with this truly spectacular prize put up for grabs by the amazing wing walking ‘Team Guinot’.

By the time the couple had been given the opportunity all they were missing was a vicar. An appeal went out to find a dare-devil vicar to conduct the ceremony. That call was answered by none other than 67 year old George Bingham, who had attempted wing walking once before in the past so he knew what he was in for.

As the blessing took place 500ft in the air all three were linked together by a communication system with a mouthpiece and earpieces. This also meant that the service could be heard by friends and family below. The two love birds, who met in 2005, had to pay a visit to exchange their vows in a registry office prior to the airborne event due to the fact that getting married while being strapped to three bi-planes 500ft in the air is currently not legally recognised.

Now the newly weds are boarding another plane for their honeymoon to jet off for a safari in Tanzania. Lets just hope that this time they aren’t strapped to the wings!

I wonder how a University professor would have got on in a showdown with Ted Bundy armed only with a small insect. “Bundy, your going down! Release the Bees… Oh hang on, oh why are you stinging me, come on I have allergies… remember your training!!!” Or something like that. I have heard of sniffer dogs but detective bees is stretching it a bit. What is next? A drug enforcement three-toed sloth? Or a crack team of litter warden Gerbils?

The point being that they actually have funding to study this phenomenon and after intensive research they have revealed that, “Just as bees forage some distance away from their hives, so murderers avoid killing near their homes.” As if that ground breaking revelation was not enough Dr Nigel Raine added, “Understanding how bees are recruited to flowers is much easier than understanding the complex thoughts of a serial murderer”

… excuse me, I had to go and change my pants as I soiled myself in excitement at the magnanimity of this discovery. So what you are saying Dr Raine, is that because Bees pollinate flowers away from their hive therefore serial killers must do also… because serial killers are bees!! No wonder the British honey industry is in jeopardy. Their next assignment is following butterfly’s bowel movements with scope to explaining Bob Geldof’s hair growth.

They have even bought in a US specialist who was the pioneer behind ‘geographic profiling’ who has had world renowned success in several high profile serial killer cases. So that was money well spent as the specialist comes over and Dr Raine says, “you know that geographic profiling thingy, bees do that, but with flowers.” The specialist says, “Yes” then takes his check for ten grand and books into the Dorchester.

It was not revealed what Dr Raine is a professor of but it might well be ‘looking at stuff in nature then saying that it is vaguely like other stuff’. In other news today a man was caught fornicating with a flower in St James Park.

However one of the actions named ‘Shank’ with an icon shaped like a knife has sparked off an outrage by users and the like. The word ‘Shank’ is street slang here in the UK meaning ‘to knife someone’ or ’stab someone’.

Well here at Your Life we are outraged too, BUT not because of this Facebook application, but for the sheer fact that this is absolutely ridiculous! If a youth is old enough to wield a knife then he is without a doubt old enough to know right from wrong.

For the record I am 18 years old and seeing an icon with the word ‘Shank’ next to it on a website really doesn’t have the effect of making me turn into a knife wielding maniac. If this was the case then what about all the films that promote violence with knives, all the games that allow you to carry and use a knife virtually.