Monthly Archives: November 2009
No Osteopathy for Old Pops
My dad, eh, been out and about chopping trees down all his life. He’s an active sort of guy, likes using saws and hammers and stuff – and so when he was presented with opportunity to remove the (very heavy) cover of his well (he lived up in the hills at this point) he jumped at the chance. Much to his surprise, he did his back in. He really needed to see an osteopath.
I found this out when I went to visit him in Whitley Bay (he was visiting his parents – my grandparents – and so was I, that’s why I was there) and he got out of his old green Rover (it’s not green anymore – red) and he was bent double – such was the incident involving the well cover.
As he explained his error around the plates of boiled chicken that his mum had prepared, I suggested he needed to go and see an osteopath. He thought this was a shit idea, being the man of the hills that he was.
Nowadays he’s modified his thoughts on osteopathy, living as he does away from the windy hills and nasty well covers. Now he lives in a nice semi in Edinburgh, with central heating and TV and a nice nearby corner shop selling discount tins of food (because they’re largely out of date). He hasn’t encountered anymore wells and stands straight as a rod.
Indiana Jones V Nazis & CCCP
I was in Hamley’s Toy Store yesterday, god I get around don’t I? Anyway, I went in and was predictably drawn towards the Lego section – the only toy that matters in my crucial opinion. I was taking a gander at some of the sets and I came across the latest Indiana Jones Lego sets. It all looked quite similar to the films, I thought, until I took a closer butcher’s hook at one of the baddie’s planes.
Now, if I’m not very much mistaken, all the baddies in the Indiana Jones film were nasty Nazis. But what had those Danish weirdos at The Lego Company done? Instead of putting everyone’s favourite facist symbol – the swastika – on the side of the plane, they decided to put CCCP instead. Now, I can understand they don’t really want the symbol of the most evil regime of all time sold to 8 year olds across the world – but what are they suggesting by putting the CCCP on instead?
OK, let’s all take a quick look at the history books (oh, I mean Wikipedia) and yes, we discover that the CCCP was not entirely unconnected to the 2nd biggest act of genocide of all time. Mao Tse-Tung comes first, with the Nazis making third place. In some sets they had the Luftwaffe symbol, while others had just letters. But one definitely had the CCCP.
So in Legoland, Indy battles Nazis, Soviets and random letter empires?
I think Lego should be taking a lead on representing reality to children. You can’t even get more than one Lego man in a saloon car, that’s surely not right?
Why Would I Get My Web Design Done In Essex?
Web design has become big business, and while there are many places around the world where you can get cheap web design, most British based companies still choose to go with a home grown web service. Some companies believe that only companies based in London are able to provide the level of service required, but a middle ground might be getting more provincial web design. Essex is a good example of this.
The middle ground, in this case, is as good if not better than the London, which is jam packed with web design and SEO services. The beauty, some say, of choosing somewhere like Essex for your web design needs is that it is much cheaper than somewhere like London. Additionally, if you live in Essex, which 1.7 million people do, then you would benefit from being more closely located to your web design provider than might otherwise be the case. There is also the argument that you get a more down to Earth service from businesses outside London – something that only experience can confirm.
Even in terms of companies in London itself choosing firms in Essex to do their web design, when you understand that it only takes one hour to get from London to Colchester by train – it becomes less of a problem.
The Time When I Tried To Buy Holiday Home Insurance
I went to the holiday home insurance company and tried to get insured. “What kind of property do you want to insure, sir?” the girl behind the holiday home insurance counter asked politely.
“well I said, I it’s quite modest, not too big at all.”
“Is it a cottage sir?” she asked.
“No, it’s not, it’s a bit smaller than that actually. “
“And what items do you want to cover inside the tent sir?” she asked.
“Well, I’ve got a wind-up radio and torch, and er let me think, well, I’ve got a stove” I said.
“Is that all sir? Are you sure you need to get all that ensured?” she enquired.
“Yes, yes definitely I said”
She continued quizzing me: “Well, ok, going back to the property itself. Is it situated in a bad area, is there much crime around?”
“No, no there’s very little crime around, I said – in fact there isn’t anyone around at all. I don’t think there’s much crime around. You only get cows where I am.”
The girl laughed politely, but looked a little confused.
“How much would you value the property for sir?”
“Well I think it cost around 65 when I bought it.”
She looked a little surprised “65 thousand, sir, that must have been a few years ago?”
“No, I mean it was £65.” I stated.
“Sir, you live in a tent, don’t you?”
“Why yes, what did you think I lived in?”
Shock Rain Downpour On England
The weather system of Western Europe has stunned residents of England by producing a moderate amount of precipitation. The water, described by experts as rain, has been coming out of the sky since yesterday evening.
One eyewitness said: “It started off as sort of drizzle and turned into slightly heavier rain. I was pretty shocked because I had no idea it was going to happen – I hadn’t even brought my umbrella. When I got home I had a good laugh with my wife about how I got caught without an umbrella.”
In some parts of south east England rain water poured down the streets. One lady in Basildon got slightly wet when a van went past, driving through a moderately sized puddle.
The splash victim said of the incident: “I think it was a white van man van. I tried to get the number plate but I was too shocked at seeing the several droplets soak into my trouser leg. I was really angry and shook my fist at least two times.”
In his weekly press conference, Gordon Brown pledged financial aid to splash victims, saying that anyone who did need help, would receive that help. “The psychological effects of this moderate rain shower cannot be underestimated. Rain in November is always a shock” he said.
Underfloor Cooling
I’m not sure if my bedroom has underfloor heating. Unless I’m very much mistaken, it has the exact opposite of this superb Roman invention. It is above a car port, which in simple terms means that it is above nothing.
I have underfloor cooling. This would be good if I lived in downtown Sahara Desert, but it isn’t so good in the rolling flatness that is Essexshire. Gently undulating at between 10m and 10.2m above sea level, Essex is an ideal place to catch a chill. Although it is pretty dry, which means one is confronted with lots of nothing-happening-here cloud, not rain, nuffin.
Well sometimes it rains like Bangkok in monsoon season, rivers of er water cascading the Hill of the North, filling the town’s rivers to their brim.
Would like some underfloor heating now, I can tell you. The winter time is a season to spend indoors, away from the darkness and the cold.
London Bubble Thing To Embarrass Chinese
With only a sellotaped-together five pound note and a few coppers in their pot, the silly British are on the look out for some scam to make the London 2012 Olympics slightly less rubbish than it is definitely going to be. Cursing their luck that they agreed to do it just before the biggest recession man has ever seen, the British Olympic Committee has deigned to invest in a bubble platform thing that will blind people to the fact that China’s Olympic celebration will make Britain’s effort look like going round your Gran’s for a cup of tea and one of her rock buns. 
Whilst Granny’s rock buns hold a fascination for many, they are nothing when compared to China’s birds nest extravaganza. The new bubble thing will have data and images projected on it, and will enable people to climb a tower and lounge around a viewing platform. Lots of things in the sky so people don’t look at the balsa-wood swimming pool and the match-stick arena.
Distraction is the name of the game here, and much like an old Cockney pickpocket, the London Olympic Committee know the only way to thrash the Chinese at the Olympic Game, is to create a massive bubble decoy, so no one notices that the world should not have given us the bloody Olympics.
Brazilian Comedian Turns Up At Own Funeral
Imagine crying your eyes out as you stand over the grave of your close relative, as the shovels start covering their body up for eternity, only to be astonished by said relative appearing at the funeral. Well one lucky Brazilian family found out exactly what this is like as they were crying their little Brazilian faces off, when Old Uncle Pablo crashed his own death party. Good timing, we think. He must have a very well developed sense of humour, and really massive balls, to turn up at his own funeral and twist the minds of his relatives beyond all recognition.
It looks like you can’t really trust the Brazilian cops to identify dead folks too easily. Turns out that the real dead person was so badly disfigured that identifying him was problematic. Old Uncle Pablo had, it seems been out drinking with friends – specifically a drink called ‘Pinga’. Having got so badly battered he didn’t return home for some time. They seem to bury bodies in about the same time frame as the standard hangover takes to clear.
Cayman Islands Air Con
I’ve got a friend whose dad owns an air conditioning company on the Cayman Islands. He used to work for him and got paid a great deal of money for it – as it was a pretty demanding job. And the units themselves were in great demand too, being as it was The Cayman Islands.
He said it was really bad for his body to be constantly in and out of the air conditioning – one minute in the freezing cold cooling bits in the roofs of wealthy ex-pats – and the next minute out in the blazing heat of a Cayman beach. This story is not really going anywhere, just to point out that air condition is not always that pleasant.
If you want air conditioning here in the UK, you don’t have to get them to come all the way from the Cayman Islands though, there are plenty here, too.
It’s The Blog Post You’ve Been Waiting For
The season of apathy has truly come upon me, to the degree where I wish I’d taken out health insurance so that I could go and lie in a tanning salon for free. But I have to pay for it myself, or just get some vitamin D tablets. Can’t I just go into stasis until the darling buds of may show their sunny heads?
A mild inconvenience in July is a major catastrophe in November. It is winter, isn’t it? It might as well be, I haven’t seen the sun for some time. Do you think health insurance would pay for me to have a holiday in Fiji? I should have got it, I know I should.
I can’t even write funny blogs anymore. Look at this, I haven’t written anything funny in 133 words, does health insurance cover this? Couldn’t they get Eddie Izzard to come and write my blog, about jam. Big piles of jam. I’m just ripping him off now. He might as well be writing it, only it’s not funny.
This is final paragraph of this most unfunny blog about nothing, apart from medical cover, which it isn’t really about either. It definitely is about how it just isn’t funny. OK, I’m going to start writing in a clever, conclusion style, so that you know I’m finishing this. Maybe I’ll squeeze one more joke in before the end, I mean the first one…best to just trail off actually, yess, eeerrr…..
