Monthly Archives: July 2009
That 4.41 on a Friday Feeling Is Upon Us
As the Your Life team gently wind down from doing nothing, we pause to reflect on our various writers’ contributions over the last week.
Where else will you find an explosive combination of this and that? Does any other blog provide you with this eye popping level of nothing-in-particular? Is there any other news source that twists the truth quite as hardly-at-all as Your Life?
We know, when you want some juicy gossip from the world of thingy-bob, we’re the first website you hit up. If you’re keen to discover the latest secrets of whats-its-name, there’s only one name on your lips. If you’re overwhelmed with a sense of impending ‘du-du-la-du’ we know you rely on us to deliver.
Have a great weekend.
Harry Patch and Henry Allingham
Can you believe that Henry Allingham was born in 1896? The recently passed away World War One veteran comfortably spanned the entire 20th Century, as did Harry Patch. Both eventually talked about their war experiences, but only towards the end of their lives. And both were heavily in favour of dialogue, not war.
Hats off to the both of them.
After Mr Allingham’s funeral there was a flypast of 5 replica World War One planes – showing just how much technology and society – has changed in just one human lifetime. The veteran was buried with full military honours today.
German Tourists To Book Sunloungers
What is it with sun loungers and Germans? They really get wound up by the fact that they have to send their wives out early whilst on holiday to secure their loungers for the day. But good news has arrived from Thomas Cook – who say that our Teutonic cousins can now pay to keep hold of their lounger.
No longer will they have to drape their garish towels over the plastic lean-backs at the break of dawn.
But what does that mean for us?
Bleary eyed Brits have no chance against this kind of lounger enthusiasm. We still have our head firmly wedged down the toilet while they sprint out to grab their spots. And then we have to scour whatever pretty Spanish town we’re in for a Full English Breakfast. Choc full of bacon and eggs we head back to the resort to have a read of the Sun – where lo and behold, every single sun lounger has been taken by robust Germans. And now we can’t try and nick one, because those Germans have hired all of them. With real money.
Resorts in Turkey, Egypt and the Canary Islands will offer the hiring service, which will set our lounger-hogging Euro pals back £2.60 a day. A family of Germans can hire a lounger each for 49 Euros. They must really love them eh?
The Your Life team are back in…
The Your Life team are back in the office to fill your week with all the latest news and gossip with the usual Your Life twist!
Gandhi: Joanna Lumley Is NOT My Daughter
Mahatma Gandhi has spoken out against claims from Joanna Lumley that she is spiritual leader’s long lost love child. Lumley’s marketing team have apparently been perpetuating this idea, described as ‘mythical’ by Gandhi’s publicity agent, Max Clifford.
The news of the alleged fathering comes as TV screens around the world are awash with Lumley being surrounded by thankful Ghurkha’s who’ve won the right to worship Joanna Lumley for eternity. Amid scenes of union flags and Joanna Lumley banners, one enamoured Ghurkha said “we totally love the fact that we can worship Joanna Lumley,” according to Joanna Lumley’s marketing team.
Joanna Lumley recently flew to Nepal to be worshipped, and in a brief interview with the BBC she said; “I’m so glad that Ghurkha’s can worship me forever now, I think my father would be totally proud of what I’ve achieved here. I just wish he could have been here to see this.”
Shouting angrily from beyond the grave, Gandhi said “his is total bulls**t, I can’t believe that f****** woman has f****** hijacked my good name. I used to enjoy her in Absolutely Fabulous, but now I realise she is Absolutely F****** Atrocious – I did not have relations with that F****** woman’s mother.
In a statement Max Clifford said “we’re still waiting for the tests to come back from the lab, but we’re all pretty sure there’s no truth in these claims – mainly because Gandhi lived in India, was celibate all his life and died in in 1948, while Lumley was born – oh hang on – In er India, in 1946 – oh wait, well, that’s purely circumstantial… I mean come on guys…..”
Lumley’s autobiography “Gandhi is My Daddy” published by Total Bulls**t Books, is out in hardback on Monday, priced £9.99.
Were The French Right To Surrender?
The old Frenchies get a lot of stick in the history books for letting the Germans stroll across the Maginot line in the summer of 1940. But a recent thought that occurred in my head this morning points to a different interpretation of events.
You have to step back and remember what the French went through in the First World War. They lost two million young men – and even in that war the French army was prone to mutinies, such were the catastrophically silly military objectives of their commanders. More specifically, the aims were achievable – but only with a casualty rate of tens of thousands. No wonder the French thought better of it.
When the French threw the towel in during the first 5 minutes of World War Two – they were probably thinking about the prospect of another 2 million dead people; millions of families destroyed in another pointless war.
From a certain point of view, we can see that fighting the Nazis ultimately (in all likelihood) led to us to the position we’re in now – namely a relatively free world. But in 1940 no-one really knew just how terrible the Nazis were. For all the French and British knew, there could have just been 4 years of bloody, and completely reasonless death (in the event we got SIX years of completely reasonless death).
In terms of cold numbers, the French ultimately saved millions of their own. However, some might argue that they risked many more millions by giving so quickly.
Your-Life is looking forward to…
Your-Life is looking forward to closing down for the weekend and relaxing in…the rain by the looks of it! Bring back the sunshine!!
Swine Flu Death Toll Reaches 30… The End Is Neigh!!
The swine flu death toll hit 30. Oh yea Lord above have mercy on our collective ass during this period of vengeful pestilence. Only the penitent man will pass – we have been forsaken and should now crack each other’s heads open and feast off the goo we find within. In case you couldn’t tell – I was being sarcastic.
Just before we start ramming steaks into each other’s hearts and looting churches for large crucifixes perhaps we should look at the real viral pandemic; the scare mongering media and their carcinogenic manipulations.
Yesterday a girl of 15 died of swine flu. What do people read? Not the parenthesis in the middle of the sentence that states categorically that she had major underlying health concerns, but that people are dying of swine flu. How can that death possibly be accredited to swine flu?
If a man is walking down the street just after being diagnosed with swine flu and a large anvil drops from the sky and kills him, does that count toward the swine flu death toll? Or someone is shot 16 times but then after the blood work comes back from the autopsy – “I thought so, cause of death swine flu”.
It is high times for murders, as all they need to do is kill people with swine flu and they cannot possibly be prosecuted. “Another swine flu victim, standard MO, stabbed in the bladder and set fire to, god damn swine flu, if only, if only it was a virus with mild, standard flu-like symptoms!”
Oh hang on… it actually is.
15 year old girl dies, it is tragic. People die all the time. 600,000 people every year equating to 1645 people every day, some of those people are young. Why use this tragedy to perpetuate this media franchise of Armageddon? Because reporting on the thousands of people who have recovered is not sensationalist enough.
When the H1N1 virus first kicked off in Mexico the media were all over it. Surely there must have been some point when they were waiting on their Reuters news feeds just thinking, “This is thin, really thin. Oh another 72 year-old Mexican unicyclist died yesterday, sounds like swine flu to me!”
Wales Gets Trains
Ok, they’ve had them for a while – although it might surprise some. The big news today is that the government is going to spend 1 billion pounds on electrifying the railway line between Swansea and London.
According to a guy called Lord Adonis (cool name, but the man himself is arguably the anti Lord Adonis): “With the electric trains you get a quieter, cleaner, more reliable and much cheaper train which benefits passengers and it also benefits the taxpayers because it’s much cheaper to keep an electric railway going”.
The news will be exciting for people who like trains. It is generally accepted that the British really need to move from road to rail – but some might argue how it can reasonably be achieved when the cost of travelling on the train system is comparable to that of using a car. When private companies run these systems it might be argued that the focus is on short term profit rather than long term advances in public transport.
Can private enterprise really bring about the technological improvements required to give Britain the sophisticated transport system is needs? If you look at al the big developments in transport, they are catalysed by government. The tilting train that graces so many of our train lines was actually an invention of the then state-owned British Rail. Margaret Thatcher took the decision to scrap BR’s attempts to develop the tilting train – and forced it sell the concept to an Italian firm.
Now the Italians, having perfected the tilting system, are essentially selling us back our own invention. The point is that only large scale state funding can really advance transport. Would Concorde have ever existed if it wasn’t backed up by the British and French governments?
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