Monthly Archives: July 2008
Bees Join Hunt For Serial Killers
Can you hear that? It is the sound of millions of serial killers flocking to their local police station with their collection of human lamps and severed heads to hand themselves in, as there is clearly no point in carrying on their debauched sprees any longer. Not as the team of experts from the University of London headed by Dr Nigel Raine are coming after them with their secret weapon… Bees.
I wonder how a University professor would have got on in a showdown with Ted Bundy armed only with a small insect. “Bundy, your going down! Release the Bees… Oh hang on, oh why are you stinging me, come on I have allergies… remember your training!!!” Or something like that. I have heard of sniffer dogs but detective bees is stretching it a bit. What is next? A drug enforcement three-toed sloth? Or a crack team of litter warden Gerbils?
The point being that they actually have funding to study this phenomenon and after intensive research they have revealed that, “Just as bees forage some distance away from their hives, so murderers avoid killing near their homes.” As if that ground breaking revelation was not enough Dr Nigel Raine added, “Understanding how bees are recruited to flowers is much easier than understanding the complex thoughts of a serial murderer”
… excuse me, I had to go and change my pants as I soiled myself in excitement at the magnanimity of this discovery. So what you are saying Dr Raine, is that because Bees pollinate flowers away from their hive therefore serial killers must do also… because serial killers are bees!! No wonder the British honey industry is in jeopardy. Their next assignment is following butterfly’s bowel movements with scope to explaining Bob Geldof’s hair growth.
They have even bought in a US specialist who was the pioneer behind ‘geographic profiling’ who has had world renowned success in several high profile serial killer cases. So that was money well spent as the specialist comes over and Dr Raine says, “you know that geographic profiling thingy, bees do that, but with flowers.” The specialist says, “Yes” then takes his check for ten grand and books into the Dorchester.
It was not revealed what Dr Raine is a professor of but it might well be ‘looking at stuff in nature then saying that it is vaguely like other stuff’. In other news today a man was caught fornicating with a flower in St James Park.
The Balls On This Dog!
In India today, a dog named Chhotu has been summoned to court for allegedly breaching the peace. The rowdy canine set the cat amongst the pigeons by repeatedly biting his neighbours. According to the dog’s owner the neighbours are actually burglars after her land deeds and Chhotu was merely protecting the family home.
The Indian police department have come under some criticism from the public due to there being over 20 separate bomb blasts across the country two days ago and their response was to scour the Eastern state of Bihar with a large net and a squeaky, plastic dog toy. Some questions have been asked of the prioritising framework in place in Biharian law enforcement to which one source replied, “He is a very bad dog!”
Police are currently attempting to question Chhotu using the old ‘bad cop, bad cop’ routine however he is currently remaining non responsive to their interrogation techniques. He is also being questioned about indecent exposure and defocation in public charges however has yet to deliver a plea in court, mainly because he couldn’t grasp the two woofs for not-guilty system in place for Indian canine justice.
Babies Sold on Ebay
People will sell anything on ebay. An Australian man recent sold his entire life on the internet auction site. The lot included his house, his possessions and a trial period in his job. One of the more shocking commodities that you can buy are babies. It has long been a problem in China where the single child policy has meant there are a large number of surplus children. This has lead to a number of babies being placed on the Chinese ebay.
Closer to home a couple in Germany were arrested for placing their baby on an ebay advert. The couple claim that the advert was just posted for fun but authorities have taken it very seriously. The parents have been sent for psychiatric testing following the prank.
The Man Who Would Be Mum
So it’s begun. A man has given birth to a baby. June 29th saw the birth of the first ever child born to a man. That is if we discount Arnold Swarzenegger’s efforts in the 1994 Hollywood film Junior. This particular immaculate conception has grasped the attention of the world’s media with a bidding war for the first photos of the child peaking at a whopping £250,000. The child’s father (or is it mother?) appeared on Oprah Winfrey’s talk show months before the birth and told the crowd that “it’s not a male or female desire to have a child it’s a human need” echoing Swarzenegger’s outcry in Junior; “My body my choice”.
Thomas Beatie was born a woman but undertook gender reassignment so as to marry his partner legally. The surgery meant he would have the legal status to marry but he took the conscious decision to keep the reproductive organs so as to hav e the opportunity to have a child in the future. After doctors refused to take the steps to inseminate Thomas his partner bought a DIY insemination kit and the couple undertook the process at home. 9 months on the 34 year old gave birth to a baby girl.
