Category Archives: Beautiful
Google Meets the Queen
Dear Google UK,
Do you realise you have goo’d in the Queen’s face? We feel truly offended and wonder what her Royal Highness might make of this surely treasonable act! If putting goo in the face of royalty is not distasteful enough, why has Her Majesty been placed as the lower case ‘g’, when surely she warrants heading the capital ‘G’ of the (once respected) Google logo?
Where has the mysterious blue glow around her majesty’s royal bust appeared from? It certainly isn’t Royal Blue! I for one have NEVER seen our monarch appear like this in public, what are you trying to portray that she is some sort of wicked Ice Queen!?!
Yours Sincerely,
Your Life
(This is of course a joke you imbecile)
Killer Crocs
Being a victim of fashion usually involves looking like you’ve stumbled into a Topshop clothes rail whilst being happy slapped by Gok Wan on crack. Mindless pseudo beauties in generic high street clobber parade their fake tan and tramp stamp with pride, and although it’s quite tempting to trip a dolly bird up, generally their fashion choice doesn’t harm their health.
Not so for those who choose the comfy option of Crocs. Drum roll please… these overly-popular pairs of foot candy can kill you, kill other people and more disturbingly, erase your i-pod play list completely! The controversy comes from the claim that Crocs produce a huge amount of static electricity which could then potentially discharge itself into people and electrical equipment; prompting a ban of the super comfy sponge clogs at a hospital in Venice.
A safety spokesman for the hospital authority said “Those sandals can cause an electric shock in organs. They can also lead to crashes of data processing devices… this means that they do not match our safety requirements.”
Although Mr Widmann of Crocs in Oz came back with, “This is insane. I haven’t heard of a single incident where Crocs caused a critical incident in hospitals.” he fails to mention any reports of a critical Croc incident anywhere else in the world. My advice is to ditch the killer kitsch and avoid becoming a dead-icated follower of fashion!
The Balls On This Dog!
In India today, a dog named Chhotu has been summoned to court for allegedly breaching the peace. The rowdy canine set the cat amongst the pigeons by repeatedly biting his neighbours. According to the dog’s owner the neighbours are actually burglars after her land deeds and Chhotu was merely protecting the family home.
The Indian police department have come under some criticism from the public due to there being over 20 separate bomb blasts across the country two days ago and their response was to scour the Eastern state of Bihar with a large net and a squeaky, plastic dog toy. Some questions have been asked of the prioritising framework in place in Biharian law enforcement to which one source replied, “He is a very bad dog!”
Police are currently attempting to question Chhotu using the old ‘bad cop, bad cop’ routine however he is currently remaining non responsive to their interrogation techniques. He is also being questioned about indecent exposure and defocation in public charges however has yet to deliver a plea in court, mainly because he couldn’t grasp the two woofs for not-guilty system in place for Indian canine justice.
The Man Who Would Be Mum
So it’s begun. A man has given birth to a baby. June 29th saw the birth of the first ever child born to a man. That is if we discount Arnold Swarzenegger’s efforts in the 1994 Hollywood film Junior. This particular immaculate conception has grasped the attention of the world’s media with a bidding war for the first photos of the child peaking at a whopping £250,000. The child’s father (or is it mother?) appeared on Oprah Winfrey’s talk show months before the birth and told the crowd that “it’s not a male or female desire to have a child it’s a human need” echoing Swarzenegger’s outcry in Junior; “My body my choice”.
Thomas Beatie was born a woman but undertook gender reassignment so as to marry his partner legally. The surgery meant he would have the legal status to marry but he took the conscious decision to keep the reproductive organs so as to hav e the opportunity to have a child in the future. After doctors refused to take the steps to inseminate Thomas his partner bought a DIY insemination kit and the couple undertook the process at home. 9 months on the 34 year old gave birth to a baby girl.
