Category Archives: Beautiful
Anti-aging Uncovered
Almost every morning when I wake up I think, “Right, I’m going to stop smoking!” and light up a few minutes later.
And then I have a little think about maybe doing some exercise. And then I don’t.
But Eddie Izzard’s just run 43 marathons in 51 days. Well done, good work.
A lot of effort though, and I couldn’t help noticing how old he looked in his latest interview. And it reminded me of something I’ve pondered on and off for a while now.
We’re told horror stories about the certain pleasures in life, namely alcohol and smoking, and how they will age us.
But I think something’s amiss here. I think almost the opposite is true.
The people I know who exercise like maniacs in real life lack a certain elasticity of the skin. Nothing wrong with that of course.
I’ve smoked and drunk a bit more than I’m prepared to admit over the past few years, yet yesterday I was asked for ID when I tried to buy cigarette papers. I’m 25 but the same thing happens most times I buy anything tobacco-related.
What I sensibly conclude from this is that I should continue with all my various vice binges, and total lack of exercise, and can still fool shop workers into believing I am in fact 17.
The secret to anti-aging? Have a great time!
What would Plato say about Google Street View?
I was as addicted as the next geek to Google Street View when it launched.
I ‘walked’ down to town and back, hung out for a while, then ‘walked’ right back home again.
Then I thought, “Hang on, get a life!” and realised that if I so wished, I could do all of this minus computer, thank you very much.
I didn’t need Google to show me the world; I had eyes of my own after all.
But then I heard about Bill Guffey in Kentucky, US, who’s taken up travelling the world, visiting stunning locations and painting them, all via Google Street View and without leaving his living room.
He’s ‘hiked’ through every US state as well as much of Europe, creating over 100 paintings so far, and they sell well, apparently.
Whatever flips your pancake.
But this, naturally, led my solipsistic mind to consider the very notion of reality and Plato’s Myth of the Cave, a famous but troubling philosophical analogy that asks whether what we know to be reality is really only a reflection or representation of reality.
Plato blathered about prisoners kept chained in a cave, and only shown shadows of objects cast from a fire. They believe these shadows to be true reality, not reflections, and they don’t know otherwise until a philosopher breaks the begrudging prisoners free.
I puzzled over who were the prisoners and who is the philosopher in today’s art imitating virtual reality reality? And what part did Bill Guffey play?
Had Google-Guffey created an inverse Myth of Plato’s cave?
Then I thought, “Hang on, get a life!” It probably doesn’t matter.
Or does it?
NHS Staff Suspended Amid Lying On Floor Scandal
Old ladies with corns and old men with chronic haemorrhoids have been horrified to discover from visiting relatives that some of the hospital staff who were meant to be sitting at a desk whilst on night shift were actually lying down briefly on an escalator.
In order to make their careers hang in the balance, the NHS staff involved got their collegues to take pictures of them and post them on public websites such as Facebook. If they wanted to get suspended for a minor trivial pointless and probably not-that-fun-anyway act, then they did exactly what they set out to do.
The problem for the rest of us, is that a wave of lying down and generally making silly body shapes has swept through the world of public servants.
1. The Ribless GP
GPs are calling for their next patient whilst in a ridiculous position by which they are bent over and their head is seen between their knees – so that the patient sees the doctors ass and face. Are YOU going to trust a doctor like this with the details of your new bowl inflammation conundrum? It has been GPs who have really gone for this move, which is thought to be because they have access to surgeons with the skills to remove the ribs required to perform this unsettling manoeuvre.
2. The Bat On The Window
Inland Revenue workers have taken this little manoeuvre to their hearts – at least the ones with strong ankle muscles. This spellbindingly pointless move involves dangling from windows that have a large main window topped with a smaller rectangular window. The ‘Bat’ must support him/herself by their ankles from the smaller window, with their faces looking out the window. This only works with large windows but is fairly impressive for the casual passer-by.
3. The Copper Squat
Most troubling of all, police constables up and down the country have been spotted squatting in inappropriate positions. They have been seen squatting on walls, on desks, on car roofs and occasionally on apprehended criminals. Colleagues have taken pictures of their antics and posted them of special Facebook police groups. Apparently a lot of like-minded coppers have clicked the ‘like this’ thing.
A grave looking home secretary said of the incidents: “we take these ridiculous body shapes very seriously indeed,” whilst trying to walk on his hands to Parliament.
Pen’s Mightier Than The Prod
Staff at PC World and Currys are bracing for a reprimand. The story has made the headlines and heads may roll. Their crime? They’ve moaned about customers to each other. Nothing unusual, really, but the difference is, they’ve taken part in what is the Facebook age’s version of moaning about annoying customers to each other. Customers were branded ‘stupid’ on the wall of an unofficial Dixon’s employees’ Facebook group, and there was suggestion from one user of using a cattle prod to, erm, help sales along a bit. Doubtlessly most electrical store patrons could see the funny side of such comments. I mean, all jobs have their annoyances, right?
Chances are, there are hundreds of ‘I worked at X company’ Facebook groups, with equally scathing suggestions for professional conduct. Problem is, journalists now have an easy story without having to leave the desk. They can do something that was unimaginable in years gone by, but can now be conducted in the time it takes to grab a coffee. Why not spend a few seconds hunting down an unofficial Facebook group of a large employer (customer service industry preferably – much more of a reputation to crush) and see what the employees have written to each other, and then turn it into a scandal? Easy. And suddenly, those few words that were meant as private, humorous, morale-boosting jokes between employees threaten the reputation of a retail electrical giant that has taken years to build.
What said employees carelessly overlooked is that while words exchanged in a confidential, extracurricular bitch about the bores of employment are fleeting, the written word holds far more credence.
Online communication often surpasses our face to face interaction and, while most of us think nothing of sharing juicy snippets, gossip and intimate detail in the form of an instant message, not all of us realise that the difference is, once something’s written, it stays. All those private, hilarious jokes are suddenly laid bare for all to see. And you can never be sure who’s watching.
Wallet Fat, PS3 Slim
The new PS3 Slim is about to hit our shops and obliterate our pockets. But is it any better than the first version?
It certainly looks pretty cool, sporting a matte finish as opposed to the knight-rider gloss of the original. As the name suggests, it is substantially smaller too – by 33 percent to be exact. According to manufacturers Sony, it is also 36 percent lighter and consumes 34 percent less energy.
The new unit features an upgradeable 120 Gigabyte hard drive as standard, providing enough space for the busiest gamer – a lot more than the 60GB often supplied with the first PS3. The new version comes loaded with the V3.0 operating system – although unlike the previous incarnation it cannot support third party operating systems such as Linux. The unit benefits from an improved cooling system and the cell processor has migrated to 45nm technology – whatever that means!
It will certainly sit rather more snugly in our cabinets than the old PS3, but only the really hardcore Sony fans will consider exchanging the original for this fancy new piece of kit.
If you’re thinking of investing one, it will set you back £249 ($299) and you should be able to grab one on the 1st of September.
German Tourists To Book Sunloungers
What is it with sun loungers and Germans? They really get wound up by the fact that they have to send their wives out early whilst on holiday to secure their loungers for the day. But good news has arrived from Thomas Cook – who say that our Teutonic cousins can now pay to keep hold of their lounger.
No longer will they have to drape their garish towels over the plastic lean-backs at the break of dawn.
But what does that mean for us?
Bleary eyed Brits have no chance against this kind of lounger enthusiasm. We still have our head firmly wedged down the toilet while they sprint out to grab their spots. And then we have to scour whatever pretty Spanish town we’re in for a Full English Breakfast. Choc full of bacon and eggs we head back to the resort to have a read of the Sun – where lo and behold, every single sun lounger has been taken by robust Germans. And now we can’t try and nick one, because those Germans have hired all of them. With real money.
Resorts in Turkey, Egypt and the Canary Islands will offer the hiring service, which will set our lounger-hogging Euro pals back £2.60 a day. A family of Germans can hire a lounger each for 49 Euros. They must really love them eh?
Gandhi: Joanna Lumley Is NOT My Daughter
Mahatma Gandhi has spoken out against claims from Joanna Lumley that she is spiritual leader’s long lost love child. Lumley’s marketing team have apparently been perpetuating this idea, described as ‘mythical’ by Gandhi’s publicity agent, Max Clifford.
The news of the alleged fathering comes as TV screens around the world are awash with Lumley being surrounded by thankful Ghurkha’s who’ve won the right to worship Joanna Lumley for eternity. Amid scenes of union flags and Joanna Lumley banners, one enamoured Ghurkha said “we totally love the fact that we can worship Joanna Lumley,” according to Joanna Lumley’s marketing team.
Joanna Lumley recently flew to Nepal to be worshipped, and in a brief interview with the BBC she said; “I’m so glad that Ghurkha’s can worship me forever now, I think my father would be totally proud of what I’ve achieved here. I just wish he could have been here to see this.”
Shouting angrily from beyond the grave, Gandhi said “his is total bulls**t, I can’t believe that f****** woman has f****** hijacked my good name. I used to enjoy her in Absolutely Fabulous, but now I realise she is Absolutely F****** Atrocious – I did not have relations with that F****** woman’s mother.
In a statement Max Clifford said “we’re still waiting for the tests to come back from the lab, but we’re all pretty sure there’s no truth in these claims – mainly because Gandhi lived in India, was celibate all his life and died in in 1948, while Lumley was born – oh hang on – In er India, in 1946 – oh wait, well, that’s purely circumstantial… I mean come on guys…..”
Lumley’s autobiography “Gandhi is My Daddy” published by Total Bulls**t Books, is out in hardback on Monday, priced £9.99.
Gay Pride 09
If you like loads of gays and loud music, then London’s Gay Pride celebrations are where you should have been on the 4th of July.
If you’d just had a row with your missus and thought that the fine architecture and well stocked galleries of central London might provide some respite – you’d instead be confronted with Boy George, The Cheeky Girls and burlesque dancers exposing their nipple tassels to Leicester square.
I soon stopped berating myself for not checking the Time Out website though, as it turned out the whole queer atmosphere was actually pretty impressive.
It does seem that London, having experienced these events since the sixties, is extremely comfortable with having drag queens wearing huge union jack ball gowns sauntering around Trafalgar Square – and totally fine with all manner of obscene photo opportunities taking place around nearby Leicester Square.
The normally well guarded fountain pools overlooked by ‘Kiss Me Hardy’ Nelson, were jammed with inebriated lesbians, chock full of battered queers – and sprinkled with a few straights, perhaps trying to absorb some gay credo.
Exasperated security men attempted to remove them, but it took several more hours before the party goers dispersed. The whole pink throbbing gay mass was overlooked by a sensible-looking Big Ben at the other end of Whitehall, the late sun illuminating it’s imperial clock face.
Even St Martin-in-the-Field sported the gay flag, adding to the permissive atmosphere of this rampantly energetic event. Up the road and round the bend Piccadilly Circus told a similar story – with the roads closed there was a vibrant mixture of full-bodied American tourists, aimless drag queens and snap happy Japs.
With deserted cinema foyers and theatre goers wielding cut-price tickets – you got the impression that few folk wanted to be indoors on a day as gay as this.
Economic Update
The hum of low gear economic activity vibrates gently through the streets of England, despite our collective challenges. It doesn’t really look any different; the world continues on its steady course, McDonalds still offers cut price cooked chicken patties and Costa still flogs coffee by the bucket load.
Uninformed ram-raiders may occasionally smash through the dusty windows of Woollies, only to peer through their windscreens in disbelief at the empty shelves. Angered by the vacant Pic ‘N’ Mix trays, they may try driving through the front window of Zavvi too; but alas there’s nothing of worth to be found there either.
Armed only with an abandoned cardboard cut out of the Lost cast, the decanted ram raider will be hard pushed to find a buyer, despite the charms of Evangeline Lilly. No one, we’re told, has the cash.
Yet the worst economic crisis of recent times doesn’t, on the whole, seem that bad. Britain still has Talent, Big Brother is still watching, though who’s watching it is more of a mystery. In the pleasant dry heat of a June day, the worst downturn in living memory doesn’t look that memorable.
The streets still bear the fruits of the Kebab House elite, digested and not. Saturday’s oh-just-this-once frivolities are still affordable, as is the cleanup effort on Sunday morning. The British just don’t want to stop buying, at least not when it comes to lager and late night treats.
And after all, we’re following the lead from the Mother of Parliaments. If our hard working representatives can’t do without properly heated swimming pools – why should we do without our weekly visit to the depths of a Wetherspoon’s lavatory bowl?
Gay Penguins Adopt
Gay rights campaigners in Germany are celebrating as a couple of gay penguins have hatched and reared a chick that is now four weeks old. ‘Z’ and ‘Vielpunkt’ are the names of the two spheniscidae homosexuals who reside in a zoo in Bremerhaven in Germany which is apparantly, very tasteful.
The saga began in 2005 when three pairs of penguins were alledged to be trying to mate together and trying to hatch stones. The controversy came when the zoo tried to ship four females in to test the homosexuality of the penguins, provoking the anger of gay rights activists.
They believed that the penguins should not be interferred with. Although a sceptic would state that if there were no females in the enclosure, then keeping six male pengiuns banged up together for years might have instigated the initial six-in-a-tank, same sex romp.
Apparantly the couple are settling in happily, ‘just as a hetro couple would’ states the keeper, however it doesn’t take Charles Darwin to observe that if this culture in penguins continues there will be serious problems for the spheniscidae species.
However, you have to admit that the story is endearing, heart warming and above all, funny. Professor West of Oxford University even got in on the action, stating that various species display homosexual behaviour for various different reasons.
In certain bird species females will come together to hatch eggs and rear young, whilst bonobo chimps do it out of an act of social dominance. Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Oh that’s right… in prison.
Somehow Penguins bring a certain class to it, perhaps because they are not flinging faeces at each other in between coitus or their natural chic ensemble of black and white. I raise a glass to ‘Z’ and ‘Vielpunkt’ and wish them all the luck in the future.
