It has the dual effect of ensuring you never forget that special day, and shows that you really care about the new life and the new life’s family. But choosing an appropriate gift is not always that easy; there are so many of them available. If you look online, you can find a huge array of different presents – from the expensive and meaningful, to the cheaper, more playful gifts that draw smile from mummy, daddy and the child themselves.

The key thing is to take some time to choose a gift that conveys something of your own personality – these are Christening presents that people never forget, and keep safe and sound in their nik-nak cabinets for years to come.

The internet, as always, makes it easy to find a present that conveys your positive wishes for the Christened child – in a way that need not be too expensive, but that will say what you need to say.

You see, I’m not someone that will spend a lot of money on clothing, but I still don’t want to look like I’m homeless, so I tend to up the game on my accessories – designer sunglasses, posy watches, nifty piercings and so forth so at least I look like something vaguely resembling someone with a job and some money. Plus, I’m a little photosensitive so it makes sense to actually have some good sunglasses.

It’s amazing how much of a difference some designer sunglasses can make, both to how few headaches I get and also the way that my image has been impacted. I now look like a guy who knows how to spend his money, but does so on the right things.

I suppose this is the difference between me and most people: I go through money like water, but I have the sense to spend it on good examples of what I’m looking for and my designer sunglasses collection is the perfect example of this.

Not my kitchen - yet

In fact, such is my jealousy that I’ve decided that my home kitchen is getting a full remodel in order to accommodate them – that’s right, I’m going plural with these puppies. I’m not sure why, but I know I want to.

Here’s what I’m thinking: my new kitchen will have nothing but the shiniest granite worktops, nothing but the finest cookware and nothing but the sharpest knives. Basically, it’s going to be an awesome shrine to decadence, where I will always want to cook myself something healthy and tasty, I will always do the washing up and the days of running to the chip shop because I can’t be bothered to cook will be a thing of the past. My waistline will thank me but I’m not sure my wallet will.

On the face of things, this could be seen as a negative – how many comic and video game villains have a barcode on them, after all – but in the main, it’s most definitely a positive. These barcodes will track lots of necessary bits of information such as the baby’s name, NHS number, date of birth and mother’s name and make this available to the doctor or nurse in seconds after scanning these sticky labels with a barcode reader.

This is cool for three reasons. Firstly, these sticky labels will save a lot of time for doctors and nurses as they will have the information open to them instantly rather than having to flip through charts. Secondly, the information will be displayed on a computer screen. As obvious as this sounds, this is very handy due to one simple reason: handwriting. No matter how neat it seems, most of us simply can’t read one another’s handwriting, especially not when you’re overworked, tired and sporting a fetching headache the way most of our doctors and nurses are. Thirdly, who doesn’t want a baby that looks like Hitman?

Seriously. If I had a baby, I’d want it to look like Agent 47 from Hitman. This is probably why I don’t have any kids, but that’s neither here nor there.

Ultimately, as much as we may be against the “corporate ID” side of things by sticking barcodes our babies, they are just sticky labels at the end of the day and if it means that doctors can get the information they need quicker and more precisely than they would do from someone’s squiggles, I can’t really see anything wrong with that.

Ironically, we met in the biggest dive of a pub in my town (that’s saying something too), and have been becoming something resembling drinking buddies. The only thing that’s really changed in our friendship since it because apparent that they’re loaded (not that you’d know it to look at them) is that I have a habit of saying ‘your round’ more often rather than being over-generous the way I usually am.

I haven’t been out to any of their villas in Spain yet and all-told, I probably never will, unless I want to take a girlfriend out somewhere for a cheap holiday in a nice shiny villa. They say you learn something new every day and what I’ve learned today from this is truly not to judge a book by its cover or its company. Most of my friends – especially the ones I’ve met in that pub – tend to look like stereotypical metal fans, may not be the cleanest, drink like and have mouths like sewers and usually don’t have the greatest jobs in the world. This person fits the mould too, they just seem to have a good job (one that they won’t disclose) and own a lot of property.

Actually, thinking about it, they might be an undercover secret agent or something. I’m not sure whether that would be the coolest thing ever or a terrifying thought.

See, there are loads of ways to handle a breakup: there’s pining for the girl, there’s getting drunk all the time and walking through town at 3am with a bunch of people you don’t know (but who all have really cool hair) and singing ‘The Passenger’ at the top of your voice, there’s fighting her new beau, there’s sleeping with her friends, there’s loads of things. When it came to my friends’ situation though, we decided that we had to get a little meaner than that.

Their place was quite expensive and he doesn’t have the greatest job in the world, and she left in a hurry, leaving a load of her stuff behind. Do you sell everything of hers in a situation like that before she comes back? No, but there’s nothing wrong with making her think that, or, more accurately, think the place was burgled. The day before she came back to the old flat to pick her stuff up, we hired some storage in Ipswich (it’s a flippin’ huge room) and loaded everything into it.

When I say everything, I mean everything. Every. Single. Thing in that flat went into the van (it took three trips) and went into storage in Ipswich. The look on her face when she turned up was priceless; probably as good as my friends’ was when she dumped him for his mate.

The ultimate plan isn’t certain – maybe we’ll take it out of storage; Ipswich has plenty of places we could sell her stuff – or maybe we’ll just gradually post it back to her. The possibilities are endless.

Ultimately, nothing was resolved by this, but it made him feel better and in a situation like this, that’s the most important thing.

It all adds to the impression that you can find a short cut to literally any expertise just by typing a few words into a search engine. It prevails in all walks of life. Even leading MPs have been known to find their information on Wikipedia.

So exhibition stand designers might feel a trifle miffed to hear that companies believe they can simply learn the tricks of the trade on the web and who can blame them? If their clients start to think they can do the work themselves, life will get ever so difficult.

In a world in which we’re all looking to cut costs, it can be tempting to complete the project in-house, but be warned – you do so at your own risk. Make a bad impression now and future business could slip through your fingers.

Professional exhibition stand designers give you that x-factor that could prove vital in clinching a deal. It might cost a bit more but if they do their job correctly your business can reap the rewards.

What are these? These are little loans that are guaranteed by someone else. That other person, as you may have guessed, needs to have an exemplary credit rating. If they do, then they can risk everything for you and your stupid Lego house; in this case, me and my stupid Lego house.

And they did. It was my great uncle Stavros from Istanbul; he’s made his money trading coloured silks, shipping them in from Mesopotamia. Anyway, he said he would be my guarantor, as he really liked Lego.

Turns out I never managed to make any repayments and old Uncle Stavros had to foot the bill. Unfortunately, I had signed an agreement with Stavros saying that if i defaulted I would still have to pay him back over time.

So my Lego house (yeah I did build it, yes it was shit) was repossessed by bailiffs – turned out dismantling a Lego door isn’t breaking and entering.

Whilst Granny’s rock buns hold a fascination for many, they are nothing when compared to China’s birds nest extravaganza. The new bubble thing will have data and images projected on it, and will enable people to climb a tower and lounge around a viewing platform. Lots of things in the sky so people don’t look at the balsa-wood swimming pool and the match-stick arena.

Distraction is the name of the game here, and much like an old Cockney pickpocket, the London Olympic Committee know the only way to thrash the Chinese at the Olympic Game, is to create a massive bubble decoy, so no one notices that the world should not have given us the bloody Olympics.

"Not the intended use, say coppers"

Some people, however, have said that the authorities should focus their attention on the deeper problem of 14 year olds being able to obtain vast quantities of Buckfast Wine with astonishing ease. Without the Devonian tonic wine, experts say, the youths would be much less inspired to pelt pensioners with egg before topping them off comically with flour.

Local shopkeepers have been asked by police, voluntarily, not to sell eggs and flour to youths. Many of them have agreed, but critics are suggesting they should have asked them to voluntarily not sell them potent booze.