Your Life

Members of the creative side of web design and search engine optimisation tend to steer clear of ‘coding’, leaving it to people with beards. Creative Types don’t want to waste time entering, presumably, ones and zeros into a website’s code (wherever that is). But as many Creative Types find out sooner or later, it is good to get a basic grounding in coding. What follows is a few of the most important points, enough at least to get you through a drunken conversation with a ‘Coder’.

The Coder and the Creative Type

You must first realise that the Coder believes a Creative Type simply draws a pretty picture or creates a striking logo, then writes some bollocks to go with it. The Creative Type must reassure the Coder that this is not the case. Even though it quite clearly is. 

It is beneficial then to go over a few key terms used with dizzying frequency by the Coder. An ASP is a kind of digital ‘snake’ which slithers over the internet searching for Met-her Date-her (sometimes called Meta data). Met-her Date-hers are people who use dating websites. Dating websites are of course what the internet was primarily invented for by the US military, way back in 1959. 

OK, so these ‘snakes’ are really just pieces of code – but sometimes they get attacked by ‘spiders’, who plant ‘viruses’ in the ‘snakes’. With me so far? OK so these spiders and viruses are really bad news, but don’t worry – there is a solution. As any Coder worth his beard will tell you, spiders can be wiped off the infected code by using AJAX cream cleaner. AJAX cream cleaner is popular among many Coders, although some protest that JAVA is better, as evidenced by many pub glassings. 

Sometimes a digital ‘spider’ crawls deep into a websites code and finds a tin of SPAM suspended at the centre. If the spider is allowed to digest the SPAM it can get bloated, increasing its bandwidth, which in turn causes it to lose four legs and grow a horses head. A Coder would call this a Trojan Horse Virus, which are very difficult to get out of the website code, primarily because of their ridiculous SPAM fattened size. An old school Creative Type will hurriedly draw a pretty picture of a Magic Knight, write some bollocks to go with it, and hand this expectantly to the Coder in the vain belief that the Knight will slay the nasty Trojan Horse Virus.   Read more... (581 words, 1 image, estimated 2:19 mins reading time)

Rome does not have the best track record for hosting football matches and their security services are not shy. They employ a policy of strike first then strike again later instead of asking questions. If you have not had a unit of Italian riot police doing a carefully choreographed ho-down on your skull then you are not a true football fan.

Ouch, my brains!

The greatly anticipated Champions League final between Barcelona and Manchester United is being held in Rome, leading to concerns regarding the behaviour of the police and fans alike.

Where we English generally express our disdain for one another’s choice of footbal team by a good old Queensbury rules dust up and the occasional stoving in of someone’s head with the brick, the Italians have taken it one step further. With typical Italian zest they have developed a culture of stabbing people in the arse.

The culture of arse- stabbing is believed to have developed from a culture of medievel dueling where it was thought to be skillful to slash your opponent on the posterior.It is more realistic that the Rennaissance hooligans are merely looking to inflict the highest level of non-life threatening injuries on their foe.

It is also likely that the culture spread from Turkish prisons. Called Turkish revenge, the aggreived would shank his victim repeatedy in the buttocks as anything above the waist was considered attempted murder. Instead of complaints procedures they had arse-stabbing and in place of policy reviews they put arse-stabbing.

In British prisons inmates are constantly slashing each other accross their bottoms. A razor is removed from its casing then melted into the plastic handle of a tooth brush. The nice convict will then proceed to slash his vitcim across both cheeks, which takes ages to heal as everytime the slashee sits down, the wound reopens.

So it is not necessarily an Italian culture, more of an intrinsic human compulsion to stab each other in the arse. As Descartes once said, “I stab people in the arse therefore I am.” I guess it is one of the more comic places to stab someone if there is such a thing, however it is especially popular in Rome.

Arse-stabbing experts believe that the culture has developed as it is particularly humiliating for the victim and is less likely to be life threatening. The object is not to murder but to stab in the arse. Many English football fans have experienced the bitter taste of a stabbed arse.  Read more... (518 words, 1 image, estimated 2:04 mins reading time)

Huzzah! Pip-pip and a rolicking, trolloping good time for all!

David Cameron is plastered over the news once more pledging to bring power back to the people. Our democratic rights are once more safe in the hands of the true conservatives – well, at least we know where we stand.

With the current cabinet committing mass political suicide, like lemmings dropping off the political cliff-face, it will not be long before the Bullingdon Dining Club have their feet well and truly under the table.

Borris Johnson, the mayor of London, was part of the Bullingdon Dining Club at Oxford, where common practice was to book a party at a restaurant under a false name, smash it up then throw money at the aggreived owner – basically saying ‘we are rich and we do what we like’.

Interesting proving ground for Cameron’s vision of returning the power to the people. His proposed “radical redistribution of power”, comes with a great deal of ‘considerations’ and ambiguous rhetoric – in fact it seems to be devoid of all concrete policies and initiatives.

The recent conservative mailout that every registered voter received came with a familiar slogan on it – ‘time for change’. Hmmm where have we heard that before. Cameron seems to aligning himself with Obama in a rather slippery fashion, hoping that no-one notices that he is less like Obama than Gordon Brown is Bill Clinton.

It would be a miracle if the Conservatives don’t get elected at the next election due to the symphony of idiocy displayed by the current government, however one cannot help but feel the Bullingdon Dining Club moto of ‘we’re rich and we do what we like’ might come back to haunt us all.

Cameron seems to be taking the strategy of pointing out all the faults with the current government and leaving his policies very vague – whilst saying it’s time for change.

Historically the two party political system has swung from left to right, precisely because one party smashes things to pieces so badly that we forget how bad the predecessors were, so vote them in again.

With such dismal options with the main parties, voters are bieng increasingly pushed to the fringes, to the more sinister side of the political spectrum.  Read more... (655 words, estimated 2:37 mins reading time)

Shadows were cast over the magnificent spectacle that was the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic games by deceitful Chinese organisers. After an extensive investigation it was uncovered that the young girl was in fact miming. That’s right, not only do China have one of the worst human rights records ever but now they are just fibbing. Forget Tibet, you can keep it, but no more little girls miming in front of 2 billion people! It is alleged that for punishment for being caught the young girl is being sent to the Neverland ranch for private mime lessons from Michael Jackson.

It is alleged that the switch was made because the young girl did not fit the Chinese image. How dare they! Imagine selecting someone based on how they look, that is just mean. It would never happen here, I mean it is not as if every manipulation of light forces ideal physical specimens down your throat until you feel completely inadequate. There has recently been another high profile case in the UK of suspected miming.

Due to ilness on the set of one of the UK’s top soap operas, Pat Butcher has been replaced by the Thing from fantastic four. No-one seems to have noticed much but one source claims she says, “It’s clobber time!” much more than she used to.

People will sell anything on ebay. An Australian man recent sold his entire life on the internet auction site. The lot included his house, his possessions and a trial period in his job. One of the more shocking commodities that you can buy are babies. It has long been a problem in China where the single child policy has meant there are a large number of surplus children. This has lead to a number of babies being placed on the Chinese ebay.

Closer to home a couple in Germany were arrested for placing their baby on an ebay advert. The couple claim that the advert was just posted for fun but authorities have taken it very seriously. The parents have been sent for psychiatric testing following the prank.