Bees Join Hunt For Serial Killers

Can you hear that? It is the sound of millions of serial killers flocking to their local police station with their collection of human lamps and severed heads to hand themselves in, as there is clearly no point in carrying on their debauched sprees any longer. Not as the team of experts from the University of London headed by Dr Nigel Raine are coming after them with their secret weapon… Bees.

I wonder how a University professor would have got on in a showdown with Ted Bundy armed only with a small insect. “Bundy, your going down! Release the Bees… Oh hang on, oh why are you stinging me, come on I have allergies… remember your training!!!” Or something like that. I have heard of sniffer dogs but detective bees is stretching it a bit. What is next? A drug enforcement three-toed sloth? Or a crack team of litter warden Gerbils?

The point being that they actually have funding to study this phenomenon and after intensive research they have revealed that, “Just as bees forage some distance away from their hives, so murderers avoid killing near their homes.” As if that ground breaking revelation was not enough Dr Nigel Raine added, “Understanding how bees are recruited to flowers is much easier than understanding the complex thoughts of a serial murderer”

… excuse me, I had to go and change my pants as I soiled myself in excitement at the magnanimity of this discovery. So what you are saying Dr Raine, is that because Bees pollinate flowers away from their hive therefore serial killers must do also… because serial killers are bees!! No wonder the British honey industry is in jeopardy. Their next assignment is following butterfly’s bowel movements with scope to explaining Bob Geldof’s hair growth.

They have even bought in a US specialist who was the pioneer behind ‘geographic profiling’ who has had world renowned success in several high profile serial killer cases. So that was money well spent as the specialist comes over and Dr Raine says, “you know that geographic profiling thingy, bees do that, but with flowers.” The specialist says, “Yes” then takes his check for ten grand and books into the Dorchester.

It was not revealed what Dr Raine is a professor of but it might well be ‘looking at stuff in nature then saying that it is vaguely like other stuff’. In other news today a man was caught fornicating with a flower in St James Park.