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Get Out Of My House.
I share a house with 3 girls: a Spaniard, a Kazakstani and a Turkmenistani. This has done wonders for my cultural awareness, giving a me an insight into how often a Turkmenistani girl thinks her boyfriend should visit.
It appears that she thinks her boyfriend should visit ‘all the time’. It is no-coincidence that the word ‘sub-let’ does not exist in Turkmen, where the shadow of socialism still means people can live for free anywhere they want. It seems.
I wouldn’t mind so much if I lived in a 12 bedroom mansion. I wouldn’t mind at all. But I don’t live in such palatial surroundings. I have a kitchen that is so compact and bijous, that if two people occupy the space at the same time, they should really be married, or at least be overly-familiar friends. What really pisses me off is the way I come back from a hard day typing shit like this, gasping for a spicy bean burger, only to find the big lummox creating an ostentatious baked potato meal for him and his Turkmen wench.
That’s not the worst bit though. Last week I came back to find the bastard doing Tai Chi in the garden. MY garden. Or at least 25% mine. He knows he’s taking the piss; but he still practices a flamboyant eastern hippy-thing in my leave-strewn garden. He could at least give it a f*cking mow.
The thing is, I’m torn. He is in fact a really nice, quiet guy, who simply wants to avoid his (presumably) overbearing parents and shag the merry Tai Chi out of his girl friend. I can understand that. He’s always trying to ingratiate himself with little gifts and offering to lend me his hard drive full of illegal music downloads. He always gets out of my way, trundling off upstairs to make full use of the showering facilities/broadband/electric lighting/weatherproof building. He’s nice, he’s girlfriend’s nice.
But why can’t he just f*ck off?
A New Route To Work
Routine makes the world go round. Without routine, we probably wouldn’t enjoy the kind of safe, organised life we enjoy in this country. But the problem is that routine is boring. But boredom is the price we pay for safety.
Of course, there are ways around this sense of routine. Even if you have to be in a job from 9 to 5, there are ways to spice things up. Many people find the UK a fairly boring place to be, but I think you have to embrace the low down grittiness of the place, and avoiding routine wherever possible.
You might start by taking a new route to work. I know myself I see the same people walking the same route – but today I decided to go a different way. I cut through the park instead of the usual route, and as a result didn’t have to constantly breath in fumes from cars, buses and motorcycles.
A good idea is to try and find as many different routes to work as possible; my walk is 35 minutes, so there must a great deal of different variations to the walk. And for the return journey, why not try a different pub each night on the way back?
Google Does Not Use Keywords Meta Tags!
It’s something that the vast majority of webmasters already knew: nobody cares if you put keyword meta tags on your web pages. Nobody cares because Google don’t care; and they’re the web search boss.
Other websites might use them, but ultimately, it has been so overused that it is likely nobody uses it. While we all knew this, it is only very recently that it has been publicly stated by Google. In a recent video blog by Google Software engineer Matt Cutts, the a question regarding the value of the keyword meta tag in main search results is asked. his answer? “Basically not at all.”
There was the famous (in web master circles at least) law suit that involved one company suing another because it used its brand name in keyword meta tags (the idea being to steal traffic from the search term). Although Matt Cutts does not mention the companies in the video, he gives the example of Bob and Alice, where Bob uses Alice’s name in his keywords. He points out that such lawsuits are pointless because the keyword has no bearing on main search results.
In truth, the keyword meta tag probably hasn’t been used by Google for a very long time. It was subject to a great deal of black hat search engine optimisation – with a lot of people spamming the feature. In the same video, Mr Cutts does mention the importance of the meta description, saying that if the quality of it is high enough, then it may well be used in the Google Search snippet (the piece of text that appears under the meta title in search).
Low Quality Pubs, High Quality Cider
Hanging around low-end Essex pubs might not seem like your cup of tea, but it might well be your cup of cider – if you ask the buxom barmaid to put some cider in a cup. If not, she’ll probably just put it in a glass.
But anyway, what is it we love so much about rubbish pubs? Nothing. Until now! Crap pubs allow you to see the real England. They give you a genuine taste of what living in on this soggy little island really means. It’s a barometer of English reality. And let me tell you right now – English reality is a big pile of shizzle.
Shizzle it may be, but entertaining shizzle nonetheless. One thing you should never do if you’ve wandered into an Essex pub in the bad end of town – and that’s have a friend who vocally enlightens the clientele that you are in fact Vegetarian. Vegetarians, strictly speaking, are not allowed in this brand of establishment. And unless you don’t want to be fed your own liver by an off-duty member of the Parachute Regiment, you should probably chose your chums more wisely.
But how do you know if you’ve just walked into one of these magical cider emporiums? Well, you’ll probably notice that your arm will jut out in front of you and open the pub’s front door, followed by the sight of you moving through the door frame. You will no doubt hear the words Can I Have A Pint Of Your Finest Strongbow pass your lips.
Inappropriate, Poorly Drawn Images Ruin Blogs, Say Experts
It has been suggested by a leading Blog think tank that having really badly drawn pictures in blog posts reduces the number of visitors drastically, compared to blogs with nice, cute pictures drawn by professional drawing people. These poorly drawn images should be put into self storage until a better use can be made of them.
The think tank says the 70% of successful blogs have wicked pictures, while 90% of blogs could do with slightly better images – 44% of the time. Pictures of kittens are known to increase subsequent traffic by 38%, while pictures of puppies improve traffic by an estimated 30%. Images of poo and wee have been identified as having a very negative impact on blog traffic, with figures as high as minus 88% for wee and minus 110% for poo; although it should be noted these figures are only accurate for 12% of the time.
Other images that have been found to be unpopular include
burning buildings, traffic jams and Alex Salmond. More pro-blog pictures include fish and chips, fast cars and the new girl off GMTV. The think tank wishes to open up the issue for public debate, saying people should be more vigilant around blogs and bloggers – with their suggestion being that government legislation should be introduced in order to put a stop to poorly drawn and inappropriate images been put into blogs, especially ones of poo.
Facebook Lites Fuse Under Twitter
The original ‘How can I show off to my friends?’ website – Facebook – has developed a new, lighter version of itself – in the form of Facebook Lite. Many commentators are saying this has come about as direct competition to Twitter.
The beauty, many say, of Twitter is its simplicity – a polar opposite to the experience of logging on to Facebook and finding that you’ve been poked 12 times, been asked to join the ‘I like Stepping On Dried Leaves’ group and reading a comment by someone you said three words to at school saying that he has bought a brand spanking new Land Rover.
This bombardment of pointless drivel has been reduced to a moderate drip with Lite. The Facebook people say the new version has been created for people with slow internet connections – especially in developing countries. It might be surprising to learn that 70 percent of Facebook users are from outside the USA – where most people obviously have high speed connections.
The obligatory comments, as well as photos and videos will form the main focus of the new site. It seems that a large number of people see this new version as a way of giving Twitter fans something of a similar ilk – with a little more garnishing.
It seems we’ve passed the point on the internet whereby ‘we can, so we should’. Instead, a simpler set of interfaces seem to be de rigour; at the same time as websites seem to be sporting larger text and simpler, bolder curved-box layouts. Of course, Google knew this years ago with their mega-simple active-white-space search engine design.
Why has it taken us so long to catch up?
What would Plato say about Google Street View?
I was as addicted as the next geek to Google Street View when it launched.
I ‘walked’ down to town and back, hung out for a while, then ‘walked’ right back home again.
Then I thought, “Hang on, get a life!” and realised that if I so wished, I could do all of this minus computer, thank you very much.
I didn’t need Google to show me the world; I had eyes of my own after all.
But then I heard about Bill Guffey in Kentucky, US, who’s taken up travelling the world, visiting stunning locations and painting them, all via Google Street View and without leaving his living room.
He’s ‘hiked’ through every US state as well as much of Europe, creating over 100 paintings so far, and they sell well, apparently.
Whatever flips your pancake.
But this, naturally, led my solipsistic mind to consider the very notion of reality and Plato’s Myth of the Cave, a famous but troubling philosophical analogy that asks whether what we know to be reality is really only a reflection or representation of reality.
Plato blathered about prisoners kept chained in a cave, and only shown shadows of objects cast from a fire. They believe these shadows to be true reality, not reflections, and they don’t know otherwise until a philosopher breaks the begrudging prisoners free.
I puzzled over who were the prisoners and who is the philosopher in today’s art imitating virtual reality reality? And what part did Bill Guffey play?
Had Google-Guffey created an inverse Myth of Plato’s cave?
Then I thought, “Hang on, get a life!” It probably doesn’t matter.
Or does it?
NHS Staff Suspended Amid Lying On Floor Scandal
Old ladies with corns and old men with chronic haemorrhoids have been horrified to discover from visiting relatives that some of the hospital staff who were meant to be sitting at a desk whilst on night shift were actually lying down briefly on an escalator.
In order to make their careers hang in the balance, the NHS staff involved got their collegues to take pictures of them and post them on public websites such as Facebook. If they wanted to get suspended for a minor trivial pointless and probably not-that-fun-anyway act, then they did exactly what they set out to do.
The problem for the rest of us, is that a wave of lying down and generally making silly body shapes has swept through the world of public servants.
1. The Ribless GP
GPs are calling for their next patient whilst in a ridiculous position by which they are bent over and their head is seen between their knees – so that the patient sees the doctors ass and face. Are YOU going to trust a doctor like this with the details of your new bowl inflammation conundrum? It has been GPs who have really gone for this move, which is thought to be because they have access to surgeons with the skills to remove the ribs required to perform this unsettling manoeuvre.
2. The Bat On The Window
Inland Revenue workers have taken this little manoeuvre to their hearts – at least the ones with strong ankle muscles. This spellbindingly pointless move involves dangling from windows that have a large main window topped with a smaller rectangular window. The ‘Bat’ must support him/herself by their ankles from the smaller window, with their faces looking out the window. This only works with large windows but is fairly impressive for the casual passer-by.
3. The Copper Squat
Most troubling of all, police constables up and down the country have been spotted squatting in inappropriate positions. They have been seen squatting on walls, on desks, on car roofs and occasionally on apprehended criminals. Colleagues have taken pictures of their antics and posted them of special Facebook police groups. Apparently a lot of like-minded coppers have clicked the ‘like this’ thing.
A grave looking home secretary said of the incidents: “we take these ridiculous body shapes very seriously indeed,” whilst trying to walk on his hands to Parliament.
An Idea A Day
I can’t believe I’ve only just this week discovered, thanks to my mate Bob, the brilliant website idea-a-day.com. The archives of unbelievably logical ideas allowed me to while away the first half hour of in the office this morning with ease.
Being generally behind the times myself, I’m going to assume that everyone knows the premise of the site: the website publishes one original idea a day and, if you should so wish, you can have this idea delivered to your inbox each morning.
“Place hand detergent dispensers at the exit of all stores to help reduce the spread of germs and other harmful bacteria,” is the most recent offering. The door handle-dodging obsessive compulsive within me leaps with joy at this one. Yes please! No more holding tissue around the handle to leave the building, or the lavatory… you do that too, right?!
In total contrast: “Design camping plates with layers of biodegradable film that can be peeled off to reveal a clean surface each time,” is brilliant! But all everyday plates too, surely?
My favourite, though, has to be the Freemason-esque invention, ‘Respecs’ sunglasses, which pledges to polarise lenses of sunglasses in opposite directions. While this would not be detrimental to the wearer’s vision, it would be impossible for two wearers of the glasses to make eye contact with each other, thus resulting in an “impromptu wink or secret acknowledgement between devotees of the glasses.” Genius!
Bit rubbish at night time or winter, though.
Pen’s Mightier Than The Prod
Staff at PC World and Currys are bracing for a reprimand. The story has made the headlines and heads may roll. Their crime? They’ve moaned about customers to each other. Nothing unusual, really, but the difference is, they’ve taken part in what is the Facebook age’s version of moaning about annoying customers to each other. Customers were branded ‘stupid’ on the wall of an unofficial Dixon’s employees’ Facebook group, and there was suggestion from one user of using a cattle prod to, erm, help sales along a bit. Doubtlessly most electrical store patrons could see the funny side of such comments. I mean, all jobs have their annoyances, right?
Chances are, there are hundreds of ‘I worked at X company’ Facebook groups, with equally scathing suggestions for professional conduct. Problem is, journalists now have an easy story without having to leave the desk. They can do something that was unimaginable in years gone by, but can now be conducted in the time it takes to grab a coffee. Why not spend a few seconds hunting down an unofficial Facebook group of a large employer (customer service industry preferably – much more of a reputation to crush) and see what the employees have written to each other, and then turn it into a scandal? Easy. And suddenly, those few words that were meant as private, humorous, morale-boosting jokes between employees threaten the reputation of a retail electrical giant that has taken years to build.
What said employees carelessly overlooked is that while words exchanged in a confidential, extracurricular bitch about the bores of employment are fleeting, the written word holds far more credence.
Online communication often surpasses our face to face interaction and, while most of us think nothing of sharing juicy snippets, gossip and intimate detail in the form of an instant message, not all of us realise that the difference is, once something’s written, it stays. All those private, hilarious jokes are suddenly laid bare for all to see. And you can never be sure who’s watching.
