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Shock Rain Downpour On England
The weather system of Western Europe has stunned residents of England by producing a moderate amount of precipitation. The water, described by experts as rain, has been coming out of the sky since yesterday evening.
One eyewitness said: “It started off as sort of drizzle and turned into slightly heavier rain. I was pretty shocked because I had no idea it was going to happen – I hadn’t even brought my umbrella. When I got home I had a good laugh with my wife about how I got caught without an umbrella.”
In some parts of south east England rain water poured down the streets. One lady in Basildon got slightly wet when a van went past, driving through a moderately sized puddle.
The splash victim said of the incident: “I think it was a white van man van. I tried to get the number plate but I was too shocked at seeing the several droplets soak into my trouser leg. I was really angry and shook my fist at least two times.”
In his weekly press conference, Gordon Brown pledged financial aid to splash victims, saying that anyone who did need help, would receive that help. “The psychological effects of this moderate rain shower cannot be underestimated. Rain in November is always a shock” he said.
Underfloor Cooling
I’m not sure if my bedroom has underfloor heating. Unless I’m very much mistaken, it has the exact opposite of this superb Roman invention. It is above a car port, which in simple terms means that it is above nothing.
I have underfloor cooling. This would be good if I lived in downtown Sahara Desert, but it isn’t so good in the rolling flatness that is Essexshire. Gently undulating at between 10m and 10.2m above sea level, Essex is an ideal place to catch a chill. Although it is pretty dry, which means one is confronted with lots of nothing-happening-here cloud, not rain, nuffin.
Well sometimes it rains like Bangkok in monsoon season, rivers of er water cascading the Hill of the North, filling the town’s rivers to their brim.
Would like some underfloor heating now, I can tell you. The winter time is a season to spend indoors, away from the darkness and the cold.
London Bubble Thing To Embarrass Chinese
With only a sellotaped-together five pound note and a few coppers in their pot, the silly British are on the look out for some scam to make the London 2012 Olympics slightly less rubbish than it is definitely going to be. Cursing their luck that they agreed to do it just before the biggest recession man has ever seen, the British Olympic Committee has deigned to invest in a bubble platform thing that will blind people to the fact that China’s Olympic celebration will make Britain’s effort look like going round your Gran’s for a cup of tea and one of her rock buns. 
Whilst Granny’s rock buns hold a fascination for many, they are nothing when compared to China’s birds nest extravaganza. The new bubble thing will have data and images projected on it, and will enable people to climb a tower and lounge around a viewing platform. Lots of things in the sky so people don’t look at the balsa-wood swimming pool and the match-stick arena.
Distraction is the name of the game here, and much like an old Cockney pickpocket, the London Olympic Committee know the only way to thrash the Chinese at the Olympic Game, is to create a massive bubble decoy, so no one notices that the world should not have given us the bloody Olympics.
Brazilian Comedian Turns Up At Own Funeral
Imagine crying your eyes out as you stand over the grave of your close relative, as the shovels start covering their body up for eternity, only to be astonished by said relative appearing at the funeral. Well one lucky Brazilian family found out exactly what this is like as they were crying their little Brazilian faces off, when Old Uncle Pablo crashed his own death party. Good timing, we think. He must have a very well developed sense of humour, and really massive balls, to turn up at his own funeral and twist the minds of his relatives beyond all recognition.
It looks like you can’t really trust the Brazilian cops to identify dead folks too easily. Turns out that the real dead person was so badly disfigured that identifying him was problematic. Old Uncle Pablo had, it seems been out drinking with friends – specifically a drink called ‘Pinga’. Having got so badly battered he didn’t return home for some time. They seem to bury bodies in about the same time frame as the standard hangover takes to clear.
Cayman Islands Air Con
I’ve got a friend whose dad owns an air conditioning company on the Cayman Islands. He used to work for him and got paid a great deal of money for it – as it was a pretty demanding job. And the units themselves were in great demand too, being as it was The Cayman Islands.
He said it was really bad for his body to be constantly in and out of the air conditioning – one minute in the freezing cold cooling bits in the roofs of wealthy ex-pats – and the next minute out in the blazing heat of a Cayman beach. This story is not really going anywhere, just to point out that air condition is not always that pleasant.
If you want air conditioning here in the UK, you don’t have to get them to come all the way from the Cayman Islands though, there are plenty here, too.
It’s The Blog Post You’ve Been Waiting For
The season of apathy has truly come upon me, to the degree where I wish I’d taken out health insurance so that I could go and lie in a tanning salon for free. But I have to pay for it myself, or just get some vitamin D tablets. Can’t I just go into stasis until the darling buds of may show their sunny heads?
A mild inconvenience in July is a major catastrophe in November. It is winter, isn’t it? It might as well be, I haven’t seen the sun for some time. Do you think health insurance would pay for me to have a holiday in Fiji? I should have got it, I know I should.
I can’t even write funny blogs anymore. Look at this, I haven’t written anything funny in 133 words, does health insurance cover this? Couldn’t they get Eddie Izzard to come and write my blog, about jam. Big piles of jam. I’m just ripping him off now. He might as well be writing it, only it’s not funny.
This is final paragraph of this most unfunny blog about nothing, apart from medical cover, which it isn’t really about either. It definitely is about how it just isn’t funny. OK, I’m going to start writing in a clever, conclusion style, so that you know I’m finishing this. Maybe I’ll squeeze one more joke in before the end, I mean the first one…best to just trail off actually, yess, eeerrr…..
Massive Meatball Made
Some American people have seen fit to create a massive ball of meat in order to break a world record. The meatball, made by Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord, weighs 101Kg and has been hailed as a really big ball of meat by people who’ve seen it. In order to break the previous world record, the meatball had to be made from the same ingredients as a normal meatball, be made in one day and be edible.
The ball was given to The Friendly Kitchen, which feeds those in need of massive meatballs.
WalMart Offer Cut-Priced Coffins
It’s Halloween season, and the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, has marked it by unveiling a new range of coffins for its loyal customers. Along with some extra trade they’re bound to get from over-enthusiastic Halloween celebrators, the coffins are likely to be a bit hit all year round, under cutting as they do many traditional funeral services.
The caskets can be paid for over 12 months interest free, which will attract many cash-strapped American customers. Critics, however, have suggested this is another example of encouraging people to dig a big hole for themselves – of debt.
Funeral parlours are, it seems, un-fazed by the retail giant’s move – as they believe people need the human touch that only traditional funereal services can provide. The coffins are available in steel and bronze and are normally despatched within 48 hours of ordering.
Scots Introduce Egg And Flour Ban
With the highest incidence of genius in the world, it is unsurprising that police in Scotland have decided to ban egg and flour to prevent a repeat of last year’s egg-and-flour rampage conducted by youths in towns such as Hawick, Kelso and Moffat.
"Not the intended use, say coppers"
Some people, however, have said that the authorities should focus their attention on the deeper problem of 14 year olds being able to obtain vast quantities of Buckfast Wine with astonishing ease. Without the Devonian tonic wine, experts say, the youths would be much less inspired to pelt pensioners with egg before topping them off comically with flour.
Local shopkeepers have been asked by police, voluntarily, not to sell eggs and flour to youths. Many of them have agreed, but critics are suggesting they should have asked them to voluntarily not sell them potent booze.
Defragment My Brain?
Sometimes, maybe on a Saturday morning, I feel like I’ve lost a few brain cells. It might be consumption of vast quantities of Belgian lager, but I think I need to invest in some online backup facilities in order to stop the data leakage.
Is it possible? It should be. It’s the great ideas that I keep having that I’m worried about losing. I guess I could just write them down on a note pad, but wouldn’t it just be easier to download your mind onto some kind of storage device? If you could carry around your entire life’s memories on a USB stick, I’d be totally up for that, just in case you lose your marbles.
While I’m writing this I am listening to ‘Always On My Mind’ by the Pet Shop Boys, which is quite appropriate really – although adding the word ‘Not’ to the title would perhaps be more appropriate. If you could delete certain bits of your mind data that would be cool too. But I guess the little ones and zeros in our own mind tend to change – or even get corrupted over time, unlike a safely stored piece of online data. I think I need to defragment my brain. Could we do that? Coz that would be really cool.
