15
2008
Olympic Fakery
Shadows were cast over the magnificent spectacle that was the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic games by deceitful Chinese organisers. After an extensive investigation it was uncovered that the young girl was in fact miming. That’s right, not only do China have one of the worst human rights records ever but now they are just fibbing. Forget Tibet, you can keep it, but no more little girls miming in front of 2 billion people! It is alleged that for punishment for being caught the young girl is being sent to the Neverland ranch for private mime lessons from Michael Jackson.
It is alleged that the switch was made because the young girl did not fit the Chinese image. How dare they! Imagine selecting someone based on how they look, that is just mean. It would never happen here, I mean it is not as if every manipulation of light forces ideal physical specimens down your throat until you feel completely inadequate. There has recently been another high profile case in the UK of suspected miming.
Due to ilness on the set of one of the UK’s top soap operas, Pat Butcher has been replaced by the Thing from fantastic four. No-one seems to have noticed much but one source claims she says, “It’s clobber time!” much more than she used to.
13
2008
Killer Crocs
Being a victim of fashion usually involves looking like you’ve stumbled into a Topshop clothes rail whilst being happy slapped by Gok Wan on crack. Mindless pseudo beauties in generic high street clobber parade their fake tan and tramp stamp with pride, and although it’s quite tempting to trip a dolly bird up, generally their fashion choice doesn’t harm their health.
Not so for those who choose the comfy option of Crocs. Drum roll please… these overly-popular pairs of foot candy can kill you, kill other people and more disturbingly, erase your i-pod play list completely! The controversy comes from the claim that Crocs produce a huge amount of static electricity which could then potentially discharge itself into people and electrical equipment; prompting a ban of the super comfy sponge clogs at a hospital in Venice.
A safety spokesman for the hospital authority said “Those sandals can cause an electric shock in organs. They can also lead to crashes of data processing devices… this means that they do not match our safety requirements.”
Although Mr Widmann of Crocs in Oz came back with, “This is insane. I haven’t heard of a single incident where Crocs caused a critical incident in hospitals.” he fails to mention any reports of a critical Croc incident anywhere else in the world. My advice is to ditch the killer kitsch and avoid becoming a dead-icated follower of fashion!
08
2008
Fly On The Wings Of Love
Joining the mile high club has its variations these days, its not just a quicky in the toilet any more these days people can get married a mile high! Katie Hodgson and Darren McWalters proved that by getting married while strapped to the wings of separate bi-planes, with the vicar facing backwards on a third plane in front!
The couple were chosen to take part in this extraordinary wedding ceremony from thousands who entered a prize draw with this truly spectacular prize put up for grabs by the amazing wing walking ‘Team Guinot’.
By the time the couple had been given the opportunity all they were missing was a vicar. An appeal went out to find a dare-devil vicar to conduct the ceremony. That call was answered by none other than 67 year old George Bingham, who had attempted wing walking once before in the past so he knew what he was in for.
As the blessing took place 500ft in the air all three were linked together by a communication system with a mouthpiece and earpieces. This also meant that the service could be heard by friends and family below. The two love birds, who met in 2005, had to pay a visit to exchange their vows in a registry office prior to the airborne event due to the fact that getting married while being strapped to three bi-planes 500ft in the air is currently not legally recognised.
Now the newly weds are boarding another plane for their honeymoon to jet off for a safari in Tanzania. Lets just hope that this time they aren’t strapped to the wings!
30
2008
Bees Join Hunt For Serial Killers
Can you hear that? It is the sound of millions of serial killers flocking to their local police station with their collection of human lamps and severed heads to hand themselves in, as there is clearly no point in carrying on their debauched sprees any longer. Not as the team of experts from the University of London headed by Dr Nigel Raine are coming after them with their secret weapon… Bees.
I wonder how a University professor would have got on in a showdown with Ted Bundy armed only with a small insect. “Bundy, your going down! Release the Bees… Oh hang on, oh why are you stinging me, come on I have allergies… remember your training!!!” Or something like that. I have heard of sniffer dogs but detective bees is stretching it a bit. What is next? A drug enforcement three-toed sloth? Or a crack team of litter warden Gerbils?
The point being that they actually have funding to study this phenomenon and after intensive research they have revealed that, “Just as bees forage some distance away from their hives, so murderers avoid killing near their homes.” As if that ground breaking revelation was not enough Dr Nigel Raine added, “Understanding how bees are recruited to flowers is much easier than understanding the complex thoughts of a serial murderer”
… excuse me, I had to go and change my pants as I soiled myself in excitement at the magnanimity of this discovery. So what you are saying Dr Raine, is that because Bees pollinate flowers away from their hive therefore serial killers must do also… because serial killers are bees!! No wonder the British honey industry is in jeopardy. Their next assignment is following butterfly’s bowel movements with scope to explaining Bob Geldof’s hair growth.
They have even bought in a US specialist who was the pioneer behind ‘geographic profiling’ who has had world renowned success in several high profile serial killer cases. So that was money well spent as the specialist comes over and Dr Raine says, “you know that geographic profiling thingy, bees do that, but with flowers.” The specialist says, “Yes” then takes his check for ten grand and books into the Dorchester.
It was not revealed what Dr Raine is a professor of but it might well be ‘looking at stuff in nature then saying that it is vaguely like other stuff’. In other news today a man was caught fornicating with a flower in St James Park.
28
2008
Facebook Application Gone Wrong
There surely must be better things to report on than a Facebook application that you can ‘Shank’ people on. The Media have totally blown a small insignificant thing out of proportion as per usual! A Facebook application called ‘Super Poke’ has various actions you can inflict on your friends. These vary from being abled to virtually send a bouquet of flowers to slapping the intended receiver.
However one of the actions named ‘Shank’ with an icon shaped like a knife has sparked off an outrage by users and the like. The word ‘Shank’ is street slang here in the UK meaning ‘to knife someone’ or ’stab someone’.
Well here at Your Life we are outraged too, BUT not because of this Facebook application, but for the sheer fact that this is absolutely ridiculous! If a youth is old enough to wield a knife then he is without a doubt old enough to know right from wrong.
For the record I am 18 years old and seeing an icon with the word ‘Shank’ next to it on a website really doesn’t have the effect of making me turn into a knife wielding maniac. If this was the case then what about all the films that promote violence with knives, all the games that allow you to carry and use a knife virtually.
28
2008
The Balls On This Dog!
In India today, a dog named Chhotu has been summoned to court for allegedly breaching the peace. The rowdy canine set the cat amongst the pigeons by repeatedly biting his neighbours. According to the dog’s owner the neighbours are actually burglars after her land deeds and Chhotu was merely protecting the family home.
The Indian police department have come under some criticism from the public due to there being over 20 separate bomb blasts across the country two days ago and their response was to scour the Eastern state of Bihar with a large net and a squeaky, plastic dog toy. Some questions have been asked of the prioritising framework in place in Biharian law enforcement to which one source replied, “He is a very bad dog!”
Police are currently attempting to question Chhotu using the old ‘bad cop, bad cop’ routine however he is currently remaining non responsive to their interrogation techniques. He is also being questioned about indecent exposure and defocation in public charges however has yet to deliver a plea in court, mainly because he couldn’t grasp the two woofs for not-guilty system in place for Indian canine justice.
21
2008
Make Your Own Hitler Doll
Mein Gott! What will they think of next? Just as you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it just did! A designer of… whatever you call people who design knitted dolls, I can’t actually think of a name for that job description, but anyway. A designer somehow thought that designing and knitting a Hitler Doll was a good idea. I mean come on how stupid can you get? Selling a knit-your-own-fascist template really has to be the worst idea since Prince Harry arrived at that fancy dress party in a Nazi uniform.
The women behind what she has named the Nazi dictator doll ‘Knitler’ is Rachael Matthews, who has written a book with guides for several other dictators to knit with a photo of the real life ‘Knitler’ posing in his famous, yet stomach churning, Nazi salute. These other templates include the late Iraq tyrant Saddam Hussein, the Cambodian Pol Pot and the Ugandan monster Idi Amin.
15
2008
Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Women
We’ve all said the wrong thing at the worst possible time to our wives and girlfriends haven’t we? I mean it happens to the best of us at one point or another throughout our lives. I mean I’m only 18 and I could consider myself a bit of an expert at putting my foot into it when it comes to women.
OK so throughout my short experience I have decided to note down my top 5 big No No’s of what NOT to say to your missus. Ascending from bad to worse lets kick off at number 1.
1. ‘Relax’ or ‘Just Calm Down’
OK so you said you’d go to the doctors with your girlfriend for some moral support and when you get to her house she is rushing around like a tit in a trance because she woke up late. At this point what would your ideal thing to resolve the situation be, right I thought so Relax or Calm Down? Wrong! You never ever say that, even when it seems the most logical thing to do by saying those few words means that your branding her behaviour as unreasonable and unnecessary.
2. ‘Its Up To You!’
I hope they are merciful if you use this old chestnut of a phrase. Now somehow women have this sixth sense of knowing when you don’t give a crap about something, and unfortunately by using this phrase you are just feeding that extra sense of theirs. Apparently women actually want your opinion, even though inevitably what they say will go by telling them that Its up to you just makes them think that you don’t actually care!
3. ‘Is it the time of the month?’
This is one of those speaking your mind kinda situations. You can think it, but don’t say it! I mean we all know that its most likely the truth of the matter but even if it is she will still deny and get majorly annoyed with you for making this kind of remark.
4. ‘Do you really think you should be eating that?’
If you say this then god have mercy on your soul, because she most certainly wont! Even if your other half is shovelling down double egg, ham and chips and she has categorically stated that she was going to quit eating that then you still don’t say it! You say this and you get the cold lifeless stare until you really do something to make it up to her.
5. ‘I Love You!’
No no no no NO! First of all your a brave man if you use this one and actually mean it. But I am touching on the sense of you have just started rowing with your significant other and you either really can’t be bothered to argue or just want to avoid it. These three words will NOT get you straight to make-up sex!
However, there is a loop hole to this rule, if it is the first argument you have had in this relationship then by all means use it, but be warned, it wears thin fast! I managed to use the I Love You line a total of four times before it got old.
15
2008
Babies Sold on Ebay
People will sell anything on ebay. An Australian man recent sold his entire life on the internet auction site. The lot included his house, his possessions and a trial period in his job. One of the more shocking commodities that you can buy are babies. It has long been a problem in China where the single child policy has meant there are a large number of surplus children. This has lead to a number of babies being placed on the Chinese ebay.
Closer to home a couple in Germany were arrested for placing their baby on an ebay advert. The couple claim that the advert was just posted for fun but authorities have taken it very seriously. The parents have been sent for psychiatric testing following the prank.
15
2008
Flirty at 9.30
Flirty at 9.30 is the best thing since sliced bread in my opinion. Its the part of the breakfast show on Gold FM where you can ring into the station and ask James Cannon to ask someone you fancy out on a date. But wait, there is a twist (Isn’t there always?), if they turn you down they get a £100 and you get nothing!
Every morning just as its coming up to 9.30 the radio comes on full whack at work, the phones stop ringing and we eagerly sit listening for some sap to get the elbow. Now no one will admit to this apart from me, but I love it when it all goes wrong. I can quite happily say I’m sadistic enough to find joy in someone else’s despair as they’re heart is broken on national radio! I mean if your sad enough to get a radio station to ask someone out for you then serves you right! I hate it when everything goes smoothly and they go out on a date and live happily ever after, how boring is that!
Although I must say just recently James seems to be trying to stir things up with the answers they give. Even if they just say yes these days James will still have something to pick at, whether it be that old chestnut; “You could sound a bit happier about this!” or “I’m quite surprised anyone wants to go out with you!”. I’m pretty sure he has been given a nudge by his producers to make things a little more interesting.
